Good for what ails you

Sometimes I feel slightly sick after grooming myself for hours. As beautiful as my fur is, it does get stuck in my tummy, and I have a furball problem. What to do?

My parents think that a product called Laxatone, "a lubricant for the elimination and prevention of hair balls" is the way to go. I hate the stuff and run away whenever I see them open the bathroom cabinet where I know it's stored. They've also tried to sandbag me by double-teaming me, one of them holding me and saying what a good boy I am, while the other rubs VASELINE on my legs and the tops of my paws, for crying out loud. No way, say I. They are insane!

I have found a self- remedy that works fairly quickly : eating plastic bags. Here's how it works:

First, I have to wait for my human servants to leave the closet door open- that's where they keep plastic bags. Next, I have to act nonchalant and be patient, hoping that they will not discover their error and slam the door shut. If I just lie in the doorway of the adjacent bathroom with my eyes half-closed, there is a good chance that I will be able to score.

Once they have left the area, I nose the door open, leap onto a shelf, and pull a plastic bag out of the tubelike thing that holds the bags. As quick as a flash, I drag it behind a piece of furniture- anything will do- and bite and swallow pieces of the bag. Then I just wait until the combination of plastic and fur create an explosion. I try to be mindful of where I will be when I'll start to throw up, and have created a guide for plastic pukers:

• the top of the piano is to be avoided; I'm still working on this
• stay off the couch; my mother gets grossed out
• stairs are good
• **high traffic areas, such as the route from the kitchen through the dining room, work like a charm
• anywhere in the area of the litter box is recommended
• windowsills are good because the human will see it immediately
• **rugs are good, especially in the living room, where it will be discovered pretty fast
• humans' beds are to be avoided, besides, I like to nap there while they're out, so why shoot myself in the paw?

Once I was sitting in the hallway near the stairs. The force of my throwing up was so great that I lost my balance and tumbled down the stairs. It was actually kind of fun, but I had to act upset when my mom came running to see if I was ok. I don't see this as anything embarrassing or shameful; in fact, I thrive on hearing "OMG! Look what he did!" It's strangely satisfying.

**A word of caution: if you live with a dog and want the humans to find your "drainage," be sure to avoid the carpet areas, as the dog will immediately come running and feast upon it. Dogs are so dumb!