Friday, October 4, 2013

I've been humiliated, mocked, and violated!

I was minding my own business today, lying on the computer desk with my svelte derrière just lightly touching the keyboard while my Human Mom #3 checked her email, when suddenly, I heard her gasp. I stretched my 20-lb frame, stood up, and looked at the screen , and what did I see?  A picture of myself wearing a banana suit! Worse, it even had the word "BANANA" emblazoned on it!
This picture dates from several years ago when I was younger and more trusting of the people with whom I lived in Brooklyn,  and had no idea that anyone would  take such a compromising shot of me.  When my caretaker slipped that outfit on me, I did what any cat with any dignity whatsoever would do, as you can see in the picture  ... I turned my head away and said to myself, "This can't be happening to me! If I look away, maybe no one will notice that I'm decked out in a banana suit."
Over the years, I outgrew the suit, and eventually forgot about the most humiliating moment of my life.  Maybe some of my readers have taken pictures of themselves in a compromising situation and might understand how I feel about this betrayal... my photo posted on the facebook page  of a person who has thousands of friends!
What's next, banana jokes? Don't even think about it!
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion?
A: Because they peel!

Q: What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?
A: (sing to the tune of 5th symphony):!!

Q: What do you call two banana skins?
A: A pair of slippers

  I am going to try to salvage my dignity and move forward, but I have a warning for the little lady who posted such a cruel, mocking photo of me... It may take some time, but you will regret the pain and humilation you have caused me today. I happen to know that there is a red M &M costume up in the attic of your childhood home, and  you might just find yourself bound with duct tape &  wearing that suit one of these days. Rest assured that when that happens, YOUR picture will be posted on my facebook page!

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Of my lady love and nature's creatures...

A few thoughts from yours truly as I contemplate the departure of my beloved Mom #2, who came, conquered my heart once again, and left me for the big city.   She is the love of my life, the cream in my coffee, and the closest to Mother Teresa that there is in this world since it was she who saved my life 5 years ago when I was dispossessed. I had a wonderful weekend with her and loved every minute of cuddling and being petted. I love the way she takes off her gazillion bracelets and rings and spreads them out on the floor for me to admire. It's the rush that a bargain shopper feels when he goes to Paris and sees the Moroccans spreading their wares on a cheap sheet near the Eiffel Tower.  It's like being in heaven to be with her. Or at a flea market, especially when she spreads  her stuff out on the kitchen table. I just melt when she does that!  My dream is to take on of those tempting shiny objects and hide it somewhere that only I can access. I've been hoping for a bracelet.



I apologize for not wearing an ascot and looking more formal as I prepare this post, but it's late and I've had a hard couple of days. My paws were trembling too much to bother with accessories. Yesterday, as I was sunning myself in the breezeway, keeping an eye on the front of the house, totally minding my own business, 8 huge turkeys came wandering into my view. I was frozen by fear, unable to move away, so I played "Statues" with my not-so-bright  bro Leo, who was quaking next to me.  He was convinced that they had come to kill us, an idea that seemed to have some credibility as we watched the tribe peck at the plants near the door and head toward us.  Closer and closer they came, truly ugly creatures with razor-sharp beaks and beady eyes. Killer eyes... The eyes of a band of rogue killers...

Could they try to squeeze through the mail slot and pull off a Santa-style invasion?  As it turned out, all they were interested in was passing under the fence to feed at the bird feeder, which was a great source of entertainment. Bunch of wimps!  Still, they left me shaky.

I turned to face the deck, always a safe bet for  birdwatching, and catching up with the myriad of other critters out there... easy to spot squirrels, butterflies, chimpmunks and hummingbirds... a truly sylvan setting.  As I gazed at the birds doing their kamikaze diving routines over the deck, I suddenly realized that they weren't just showing off for my benefit-- they were fleeing the scene, and fast.  I stood on my hind paws to see what there was to see, and almost croaked to see a hawk flying over the deck. I was convinced that the turkeys had done some recon and had sent him for me.  After all, a feline such as I would make a very taste appetizer for a huge hawk, especially my flank meat.

I admit to screeching in fear and running for the kitchen, only to run into my human mom, who scooped me up and noted that my fur was on end and my tail was about 5 times its normal thickness.  Fear will do that to you.  Kind of the opposite of  how cold water affects the human male. "What's the matter, Nico, are you scared?" she crooned as she brought me into the living room.  I snuggled under her armpit and tried to hide. Human Dad went out to the breezeway to see what was going on and closed the slider.  

I was safe! I would live another day!

But I'm still a bit scared.  I hope you'll all respect me after this confession.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Wishing and waiting

The love of my life is winging her way to see me, coming all the way from Dhaka, Bangladesh.   I am so incredibly happy and have all kinds of plans for my lady love, my beloved Fur Butt. 

I want her to know that I will do forbidden, frowned upon things while waiting for her to arrive, such as:
  • flying through the air to land on the sofa  to gaze out the window while waiting to catch a first glimpse of her
  • rubbing up against her freshly washed comforter to leave my essence
  • lounging on the dining room table to peek out the dining room window once I hear her walking to the door

I look in her room and imagine our reunion, just knowing she'll let me  snuggle with her.  I've been deliberately NOT grooming myself too much so that my fur will have a better chance of staying on her suitcase and clothes, thus bringing a piece of ME with her when she leaves. 

 I've dragged my special "love blanket" into her room and will share it with her throughout her stay. I have developed a habit of kneading the blanket, biting it while doing so, and have managed to move it from the family room sofa, all the way up the stairs, through the main floor rooms, and up the staircase to her bedroom.  My HM finally cut a piece of the blanket that would be easier for me to transport.  She's pretty smart for a mere human.

My beloved's  mom  (Mom #3) found a nice song about coming home and has been playing it for me.  It brings tears to my luminous, almond-shaped eyes, contributing to my phenomenal appearance.  I've been dancing to it and have to say I have quite the moves.

I can't wait, just one more day!

Monday, August 12, 2013

A happy day!

Today is a happy happy day for me because I got a message from my Mom #2 telling me I'm still the king of her heart. My very far away Mom, my divine Fur Butt...

Now I can hold my handsome head up high, knowing that I'm still #1. I looked at myself in the mirror shortly after reading  those loving words and as I admired the brilliant white fur covering my muscled chest, the way my eyes shine with good health and my gorgeous profile, I thought to myself:

That made my day.  And when the man came to the house to fix something in the kitchen today, as I walked  up to him and rubbed my face against his leg to let him know that I was there, ready to be admired, he said, "Wow, she's a beautiful cat! What's her name? Come here, sweetheart!   What's her name? If she were my cat, I'd call  her Honey because she's the color of honey."  Although I could have been offended about being mistaken for a girl, I simply purred, knowing that I've still got what it takes!

I love Mom #2 and am sorry for being petty and jealous. It's so beneath me because I am a superior, pulchritudinous, divinely handsome  guy, and I'm not the only one who knows it! 
Yes, just call me
Make that purr-fect!

Sunday, August 11, 2013

fb= formerly beloved

I found out recently that I have been replaced. My second mom (Fur Butt) has been posting on facebook about the new love of her life, a kitten who apparently has taken up a huge piece of her heart that formerly belonged to me alone.

This is my new replacement, the new kid in town. Hard to tell, but word has it he /she is "adorable" and "so cute."  I'd like to think that any cat who takes my place would be exceptionally splendid.

This is me: waiting at the door for "Fur Butt" to come home to me.  I'm not being cuddled by her, nor do I have the luxury of hanging out with her in her bed.  All I get to do is lie on her bed with my catbro, Leo while she bestows affection on someone else.
I'll just do what I've always done : wait, and wait, and wait for Mom #2 to come home and hopefully come to her senses and start posting zillions of shots of me in all my glory so that her many fb friends can "like" all of them.  By the way, "fb" doesn't mean "Fur Butt," but it can mean a lot of things. In my case it means "Formerly Beloved."


Monday, July 8, 2013

I may need help!

 It's going to happen again!   I can just feel it

and am panicking! 

For weeks I was shut up in a locked room with the bare minium of food and a bowl of water while the terrible sounds came closer and closer from outside the door.
  My fellow prisoner, Leo, and I could smell the presence of a man and some weird kind of chemicals, which I now understand was paint, but at the time believed to be chemical war fare.  My cellmate and I were released each evening,  allowed to move freely around the house, then forced into one of two areas of internment in the morning.
 One location was in the dungeon below the first floor while the other  lock-up was a floor below the attic.  It was my adored and adorable H. mom who rescued me each day, and my (I have no adjectives to describe this guy) H. dad who was the jailer each morning.  Although he made some reference to "it's to keep you guys safe" and other such absurdities as he locked us in, Leo and I weren't buying it, and made every effort to avoid capture.  How he figured out that we were hiding under one of the beds is beyond me, but in every situation there is someone you can depend on and someone who rats you out. In my case it was Leo, who could not resist coming out from under the bed when H. dad made noises by shaking a package of cat treats as he eerily chanted our names.  Of course, I had to follow since I am Leo's protector. Sometimes, Leo's a bit of an imbecile, the poor doltish oaf.
Now it's happening again!  I can see things being moved, eventually disappearing, and know that the worst is near.   I don't know when or why, and can only compare it to one of my H. dad's favorite shows, Under the Dome. 
More later... I'm being observed...

Sunday, July 7, 2013

I was violated !

Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that  in addition to my  unheard of intelligence and loving nature, I am an amazingly pristine cat. I clean myself all day long, and my white fur is so white that you'd need to wear sunglasses if you stared at me for too long.  I smell as beautiful and sweet as a rose, and believe me when I tell you that the lady cats who come up to the breezeway and deck  doors to gaze at me while I'm sunning myself, well... shall I say they have no complaints whatsoever.

And yet... and yet... something happened recently that has assalted my ego, wounding me to the quick, whatever that means.  I had a moment when I didn't feel like the most perfect, handsome, wonderful, amazing cat on the planet, and that stung me for a nanosecond.

Here's what happened:
I was lounging on my human parents' bed the other night, enjoying the coolness of the room and the hum of the air conditioner, when my human mom came into the room to get ready to join me for bed. I like to be the first male creature in the room at night, by the way. I got up to nuzzle her hand to reward her for joining me, when all of a sudden she let out a shriek that blasted my delicate ears, frightening me so much that my heart started pounding like a jackhammer.  Before I could run away, she grabbed me, scooped me up, and headed for the bathroom where I was --- I must state it clearly although it is shameful--- violated. Yes, violated!  She wiped my "special private behind place" with a WIPE, released me, and then  took a soapy cloth into the bedroom. 
 I had no idea what kind of perverse stuff was going to follow, so I ran to the closet and peeked from behind the door to see what she was up to.

Muttering to herself and saying quite unflattering things about me, she wiped at an area of the white comforter, then called my human dad to come and see what  "the damned cat" had done.  I had no idea what her problem was, but soon found out that she had spotted a teenie tiny area where my bum had allegedly left a mark.

From that day, I have been assaulted with a wipe everytime I go into that bedroom. You might think I would avoid their bed after that cat-astrophe, but the thing is, the bed is very comfy and I look especially handsome while lying on that white comforter, which sets off my orangy gingery fur, making me look like an angel on a cloud. So, although I was violated, I have to forgive if I want to continue living the high life. Besides, on the package of Cattonelle wipes, I saw a picture of a puppy, so it's obviously a new invention meant for both cats as well as dogs, and in that case, I'll allow it.