Keep it clean... Nico speaks out about hygiene

There is nothing I enjoy more than keeping myself clean and neat. This is pretty amazing when you consider that I lived in Brooklyn with two young ladies, my first mom and my second mom, and to put it nicely, the place was euh--- euh--- ummmm---shall I say ---uniquely maintained. Voilà le mot juste!

Here you see me grooming myself, which is something I do whenever I get the urge. I'd have to say that I lap at myself constantly, except for when I'm sleeping. If I get bored, I lick myself. If someone touches me and ruffles my fur, I groom myself. If the dog brushes by me, licking is the solution. If I've just used the facilities, I clean myself again. I would compare it to a human who might eat potato chips out of boredom. It's hard to stop! Maybe I'm OCDC? Nah, just kidding!

You should see how much spit I can transfer from my tongue to my paw! 50% of my waking time is devoted to cleaning and grooming myself. I like to concentrate on my white fur, which is immaculate, if I do say so myself. Actually someone who was visiting me recently exclaimed over my handsome features and blindingly white fur. Well, maybe she didn't exactly say "blindingly," but she did think it was exceptionally bright white. I maintain my exceptional self with just my own saliva, no special brightening or whitening like you humans sometimes have to do to your ugly, rectangular teeth. That's something I've always wondered about... how do you eat with those things? I love my sharp, pointed fangs. I'd look rather strange with choppers like yours. Ugh!

Thought for the day: With the qualities of cleanliness, affection, patience, dignity, and courage that cats have, how many of us, I ask you, would be capable of becoming cats? - Fernand Mery

Someone will pay for this! Nico speaks out...

Yes, that's me wearing the magenta scarf. As you can probably guess, it was forced upon me, which is why I have my eyes half-closed, pretending that I was invisible. It's pretty embarrassing, but don't worry-- the person who did this to me will pay!

Magenta may not be my color, but damn, I do look handsome, don't I?

Does it make me look fat?

How I looked when I escaped...

I thought you'd all like to see me walking through the screen. As you can see, most of my body is through; it's just my gigantic derrière and tail that have yet to make it. The long string-like thing you see to the left is called "spline." It's used to hold the screen in the channel of the door frame. I found it quite amusing when the male human was fiddling with it, trying to get it in place because I knew I was going to undo his work within seconds.

I'm not quite sure what he was muttering when he found me prancing around the deck, but I do believe it might have been something derogatory about me.

Nico, the king of home decorating

Nico has done quite a few things that have added to his mystique and celebrity, or should I say, notoriety. In case my daughter has forgotten how mischievous her crazy cat is, here are a few items of note.

Nico cannot stand having any decorations on the mantle in the living room. At Christmas, I had garlands of holly framing the fireplace and spent quite a lot of time getting it to look just right. Nico was observing this and seemed quite captivated by batting the garland until he was shooed away. My mistake was in believing that he would lose interest in the decorations. Wrong!

A few minutes after I had moved on to another decorating project elsewhere in the house, I heard some suspicious sounds and returned to the living room, only to find Nico lounging on the hearth, surrounded by fallen holly garlands, looking totally innocent, as if to say,"Who, me?" As I approached him, he sprang up and began playing hockey with the push pins that I had used to keep the holly in place. Fearing that he might swallow one of them, I took them away from him and put the holly back in place, all the while wondering how he had managed to knock everything down. Loco Boy was watching me, pretending to be bored, but he was plotting his next move. My mistake was to underestimate his determination.

I waited until he went elsewhere to shred carpet or whatever he does to entertain himself, and put everything back together. Stepping back to admire the effect, I was almost knocked over by him as he rushed past me and sprang onto the top of the mantle. Before I could remove him, he sank his teeth into one of the garlands and tore it completely off, then jumped down and ran away. I could hear him batting more push pins in the kitchen, and since they posed a potential danger to the little darling, I went to take them away from him. He let out a loud and annoyed "Meow!" before racing back to the living room and getting another push pin from his secret stash under the coffee table.

Guess who gave up eventually ? I'll give you a hint -- it was not I! The garlands were removed and put away. Nico obviously has high decorating standards which I did not achieve. Apparently, Christmas stockings also offend him because he kept knocking those down as well. Perhaps he objects to them for religious reasons because he's of a different faith?

I guess I'll try again next year and hope that maybe his fat cat derrière will prevent him from reaching the mantle. I'm still finding push pins in odd places. Hey, at least he liked the push pins!

Success, in Nico's own words

Nya, nya, nya, nya, nyanyaaaa!

I just wanted to report my most recent success in the escape department.

Shortly after my human father came home from work tonight, he fixed my screen flap, effectively preventing me from leaving the premises at will. Those of you who know me, my loyal followers, know that I wouldn't let him get away with that. So...



I waited until he had fixed the screen (again!) and put away his tools. Then I pushed as hard as I could against the screen, and eureka! I was outta there! The best part is they didn't even know what I had done. They were busy blabbing in the kitchen, not even paying attention, getting ready to cook food that they'd never share with me. And they call themselves "parents!"



I walked around the deck, sniffed those alluring flowers again, and made the plunge, diving off the deck onto the lawn. It felt like green velvet, very nice, and actually rather tasty as well. I nibbled a few blades of grass, wandered around the yard, checking out the scenery, and then I heard it... the unmistakable sound of the slider door opening. The humans had discovered the gaping opening and were searching for me.



I couldn't help it, I froze. Yes, I know this makes me a wimp, but I panicked, and stupidly looked up at them as they grabbed me in a most undignified manner and unceremoniously dumped me in the kitchen. I was having none of that, and did my best to escape, but alas, they were quicker than I was. They slammed the kitchen door and when it was reopened, what did I see? The screen was back in place. Had I realized they were going to bring tools with them, I would have put up more of a fight or given them a good bite, just to make a point.



They may think they're pretty clever, but I will do it again, and soon. The screen that can keep me in hasn't been invented yet!

I should mention that my tasty grass hors d'oeuvres made me vomit, but I managed to do that on the kitchen floor. That'll teach them!

Freedom... almost!

To all my avid followers,

I want to announce that after several days of poking and pushing at the screen on the slider door that looks out onto the deck of my luxurious home, I have managed to tear away the screening! I have been planning my escape for months, ever since Spring arrived.

Whenever the humans with whom I reside happen to leave me to my own devices, while the slider door reveals the screen, I take the opportunity to stand on my hind legs and stretch my long (and I must say, beautiful) body by putting up my paws and leaning into the screen. At first, nothing happened, but then I noticed it... the gateway to freedom... a small space between the frame of the door and the screen!

Although I was shooed away, which, by the way, is so darned insulting, I managed to sneak back and do it again and again and again. I am nothing if not sneaky! In fact, my keepers call me "Sneaky Neeky." By the time I was through, I had torn away an eight-inch area of the screen.

Unfortunately, I was caught. My human mom was sunning herself on the deck when I actually broke through by creating a flap through which I was able to pass. It was hyper-cool! I just pranced through the opening and walked out onto the deck, sniffing at the flowers that have been beckoning to me through the screen.

The scent of the flowers was too much for me. I got so excited that I jumped up onto my mom's lap, startling her. The dolt hadn't noticed that I had escaped until I blew it. She picked me up, brought me back inside, and closed the slider door, preventing me from getting to the screen. Foiled! But that's just temporary. I'm going to do it again as soon as I get the chance.

I'm going to keep working until I attain my goal. For all of you out there who may have goals and dreams, I suggest that you follow my way of thinking. Here goes: "Think little goals and expect little achievements. Think big goals and win big success." As Andrew Carnegie said, "If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy and inspires your hopes."

I think I'll ponder that while I lie on the couch and lick myself.