I may need help!

 It's going to happen again!   I can just feel it

and am panicking! 

For weeks I was shut up in a locked room with the bare minium of food and a bowl of water while the terrible sounds came closer and closer from outside the door.

 

  My fellow prisoner, Leo, and I could smell the presence of a man and some weird kind of chemicals, which I now understand was paint, but at the time believed to be chemical war fare.  My cellmate and I were released each evening,  allowed to move freely around the house, then forced into one of two areas of internment in the morning.

 

 One location was in the dungeon below the first floor while the other  lock-up was a floor below the attic.  It was my adored and adorable H. mom who rescued me each day, and my (I have no adjectives to describe this guy) H. dad who was the jailer each morning.  Although he made some reference to "it's to keep you guys safe" and other such absurdities as he locked us in, Leo and I weren't buying it, and made every effort to avoid capture.  How he figured out that we were hiding under one of the beds is beyond me, but in every situation there is someone you can depend on and someone who rats you out. In my case it was Leo, who could not resist coming out from under the bed when H. dad made noises by shaking a package of cat treats as he eerily chanted our names.  Of course, I had to follow since I am Leo's protector. Sometimes, Leo's a bit of an imbecile, the poor doltish oaf.

 

Now it's happening again!  I can see things being moved, eventually disappearing, and know that the worst is near.   I don't know when or why, and can only compare it to one of my H. dad's favorite shows, Under the Dome. 

 

More later... I'm being observed...

 



I was violated !

Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that  in addition to my  unheard of intelligence and loving nature, I am an amazingly pristine cat. I clean myself all day long, and my white fur is so white that you'd need to wear sunglasses if you stared at me for too long.  I smell as beautiful and sweet as a rose, and believe me when I tell you that the lady cats who come up to the breezeway and deck  doors to gaze at me while I'm sunning myself, well... shall I say they have no complaints whatsoever.

And yet... and yet... something happened recently that has assalted my ego, wounding me to the quick, whatever that means.  I had a moment when I didn't feel like the most perfect, handsome, wonderful, amazing cat on the planet, and that stung me for a nanosecond.

Here's what happened:
I was lounging on my human parents' bed the other night, enjoying the coolness of the room and the hum of the air conditioner, when my human mom came into the room to get ready to join me for bed. I like to be the first male creature in the room at night, by the way. I got up to nuzzle her hand to reward her for joining me, when all of a sudden she let out a shriek that blasted my delicate ears, frightening me so much that my heart started pounding like a jackhammer.  Before I could run away, she grabbed me, scooped me up, and headed for the bathroom where I was --- I must state it clearly although it is shameful--- violated. Yes, violated!  She wiped my "special private behind place" with a WIPE, released me, and then  took a soapy cloth into the bedroom. 

 I had no idea what kind of perverse stuff was going to follow, so I ran to the closet and peeked from behind the door to see what she was up to.

Muttering to herself and saying quite unflattering things about me, she wiped at an area of the white comforter, then called my human dad to come and see what  "the damned cat" had done.  I had no idea what her problem was, but soon found out that she had spotted a teenie tiny area where my bum had allegedly left a mark.

From that day, I have been assaulted with a wipe everytime I go into that bedroom. You might think I would avoid their bed after that cat-astrophe, but the thing is, the bed is very comfy and I look especially handsome while lying on that white comforter, which sets off my orangy gingery fur, making me look like an angel on a cloud. So, although I was violated, I have to forgive if I want to continue living the high life. Besides, on the package of Cattonelle wipes, I saw a picture of a puppy, so it's obviously a new invention meant for both cats as well as dogs, and in that case, I'll allow it. 

What's for dinner?

One of my favorite things to do is to watch my human mom prepare dinner. Oh, the scents that tantalize me! Chicken! Cheese! and things I cannot name because I am, after all, a cat with a limited knowledge of things culinary.  The best place to observe is the kitchen counter, but for some reason I am banned from that location, so I do the best I can given the situation.  I will add that when I have taken my rightful place on the counter in the past, I have been shooed away in a most agressive manner, resulting in my having to dive bomb to the floor in a most undignified fashion to avoid being shoved off.

Using my handsome head, I nudge a chair away from the kitchen table, turning it so that it faces the counter. Next, I stretch myself up and hang over the back of the chair, which gives me a dynamite view of the goings-on.  I manage to paste a (fake) pitiful expression on my face, one that would make the average person believe that I haven't been fed in months, but strangely, my human mom doesn't fall for it right away.  A few loud meows later, I can usually depend on getting a scrap of something. Victory is mine!  If my human dad is at the counter, I don't even have to do anything, since he recognizes my divine right to sample whatever he's working on.

 

Once it's time for dinner, I jump off the chair and observe until the time is right.  I act innocent, pretending to know "my place" while my mom sets the table.  The innocent act is key and cannot be underestimated. Once the plates are set, it's time to make my move.  I jump onto the table. After all, it IS a family dinner, n'est-ce pas?

It's crucial to my success to makes sure my derrière doesn't actually touch one of the plates by accident, and equally important to make sure that no one is watching. I prefer the element of surprise, which occurs when my mom turns away from the stove to bring the food to the table. I am nothing if not an optimist, totally believing that I will be welcomed to share the meal.

 

I regret to inform you that as of this writing, my record for remaining on the table is only 3 seconds. I am immediately forced to vacate the area, and in what can only be described as the most insulting act I have ever observed,  the place settings are removed, put into the dishwasher, and new settings are placed on the table.  What?? Do I have leprosy?  Bubonic plague?

 

 It is made clear that I am expected to loll on the floor while my human parents dine together. I ought to walk away and sulk, but the prospect of having a tidbit tossed to me is too strong to ignore, so I stay and put on the cat act... yeah, I'll pretend I'm " just a cat" and play into this game of lying on the floor watching you guys eat, yadayadayada!  But both they and I know that once the meal is done, there will be a tidbit toss!

 

 

Yes, I WILL be the winner!